The Chronicals of Alaraf

“Dear Dr. Lauper,

     One PhD? Really?  That’s it?

I’m surprised you didn’t take the Faculty review hostage at your defense and steal their degrees for their weakness.

Next time, more blood, less talk.  Mead later.

Skål!

-Krahe

BTW, did you Cherokee of Tahlequah look exactly like the PA Dutch?  They closed Tsa-la-gi, which sucks. I’m only down here following the My Tea Kind Tour, please send my extra G string.  Allegro is fine🐦‍⬛”

“Dear Dr. Lauper,

What really sucks about the big dig in Boston is that it ended. Kevin is in Vermont and Nancy in Wooster ain’t picking up.  It’s hard to be a ghost.   I just slept on the beach at Winthrop last night watching the planes fly into Logan while chatting up ATC.  I used an app I got from a guy from Tehran, Love & Justice.

…as they say in German techno

LIEBST MITT UNZ UNZ UNZ!

…fuck.  my German sucks.

-Krahe. Baked.”

“YO DR LAUPER- Anyway, headed up to New Hampshire to smoke up with Lord Storm, Sufi Loki, and the Nantucket Clambake Band. Then I’m headed to CIA farm to pet a jack russell.  Congratulations on the promotion, Tenure, eh?  Does that mean you have to stay there 10 years?  If so, cool, I guess.  Anyway.  I’m headed out to Forest Lake next.

C-ya later; Wolves eat Gators

-Krahe”

“Dear Dr. Lauper, I like the Rainbow family.  Wtf is everyone’s issue with them that they need pride parades?  I’m confused.  Tie dye and Acid in the woods…then, um.  New Hope.  Yeah.

Who fights that?

Does a bear shit in the woods?  With friends, naked, and I was the only one there with all my clothes on. I put on more.  There was extra everywhere. Anyway, I got a new Hoodie from an Irish lady.  Some beer called “IRA” great jacket, though.  Free if I can figure out how to market it better.  hmm.  Rebrand like Mafia did into Lawyers?  Possibilities are endless. I’ll think on it.  They won’t listen to a weird twink with a bow, though…hmm. What if?

Anyway.  I’m an equal opportunity human. But why do they dress like bears?

You tell me, Dr. Political Anthropology

Love from 🐺Sirius to Black🖤,

-Krahe”



“To My Esteemed Dr. Lauper

Yeah….finally made it to Forest Lake.  Wolves are great, this lady is a bitch.  Tired of picking up dog shit.  no pay. Got a Savant about to bust me out of this chickenshack. anyway, awooooooo.

-Your Krahe🐦‍⬛

PS. Do you think I should release all the hawks and wolves when I leave?  I hope they eat boss lady. omg she has a three year old socialize the pups she TAKES FROM THE WOLF PARENTS!!!!! AUDACITY!  TELL LOSCAR.  WE GONNA RAID THIS BISHHHHHHHHHH!

FOR GLORY AND HOBOS!

-Your Honorable Hobo,

Krahe”

“Dear Dr. Lauper,

      Fuck Minnesota.   SNOW IN AUGUST?  Mosquitos are large enough to take passengers, but Caribou is okay.  The coffee.  Just expensive.

        Anyway, Gonna try and see if Clotho got a open dressing room in Sleepy Hollow I can use as a crash pad as I do “stage repairs” 😏

      Anyway, I got my own drone now.  I don’t control it or have the joystick or whatever, but he wants for me outside every Day.  I pet him and named him Spot.  It seemed like an adequate name for a drone.

      He can carry exactly 4 bags of groceries weighted no more that 48 lbs total.  Otherwise Spot gets upset with me and beeps all upset like.  …hard to explain. 

      Anyway, I enclosed pictures this time.  We went for Boba. I got spot a cat sticker that says “FRESH”… I put it right on his rooker;)

Anyways,

Meow.   I’m a wolf.

-Krahe”

“To My Esteemed and Radiant Dr. Lauper,

      Yoooooooooooo….They gave me my Hot Topic job back, for a week, in Poughkeepsie.

       It would have been longer except I chased a shoplifter, put him into a headlock, and beat him with his own shoe.

       Corporate called me a liability. I call it shrink prevention.   They said they would give me a great reference for Waffle House, though.  I’m told it’s a resteraunt & badass fight club.  I’m pumped.

     Kiss your students for me.

      wait.  don’t.  ew.  You know where they’ve been.

Anyway, BLOOD & THUNDERR

*headbangs*

-Krahe”

“To, Dr. Lauper,

  Me, Krahe.  In Danburry, I had a boyfriend, his name was wolf, then I found out he had a boyfriend.  What a wild 48 hours that was. Ha ha.  Well, anywayyyyyy.  I’m going to headed to Pennsylvania.  Think I can crash in Valley Forge and make ghost noises?  Its not like they’d pay me.  lol. But redoubt #4 totes needs a soundtrack.

     Love,

Krahe the Barbarian”

“Dear Dr. Lauper.

    It’s now been 7 years.  I hate Pennsylvania.   I’m going to Val Marie to be a cowboy.   they got 500 head of cattle, and I gotta check on blue-eyes and the mermaid.  Anyway!  Sweden says Hej !  Scotland plays Korn on bagpipes.  The speedygoats are not what they seem.

Love,  Krahe, Pirate of Saskatchewan

“Dear Dr. Lauper,

        Got run out by Monsanto.  Their loss.  I’m cool.  Anyway, I’m entirely skipping Bethlehem, Allentown, and Reading, and just skipping ahead to Fargo.  Let’s do the Time Lord.  Wait.  Well…..hmm.

ANYWAY!

Krahe in runes is Kenaz Raidho, Algiz, Hagalaz, Ehwaz.

Fire travels word of God like hail to man.  Your eschatology department will love it.  Take credit for my idea, too.  hope it makes you rich.

K’plah

-Krahe”

********

“Dear Dr Lauper,

        I’m in Moorehead at the Viking Hopperstad church.  I have waited here 3 weeks and have not seen a single AFA member.  Then I found out my feds are in another precinct. d’oh.  Anyways. I got Steve a chia pet.  It’s of Rob.  I did the same for Rob.  With the note “May your friendship grow like your ceramic butzemann.”

      If they don’t open their gifts, I will find students to hide these objects like I haunt them both.

Anyways, love u. kisses from evil Skinwalker Skilie me

-Krahe”

“Dearest Dr. Lauper.

       Why do you never write me back?” 

   

She sighs reading the last letter dropped by a flock of crows to the political science offices… She stopped writing back when she realized, although well meaning, the letters had multiple authors.

unavoidable & messy.  but they found the deception necessary.

For the record…

Dr. Lauper is a beautiful white cat with golden tipped fur and the most powerful voice on campus… but there is no time to explain.  Bird just set out like 10 fresh rats- I’ll be in the feild, you know how to find me;)

Bird says:

KEEP FIGHTING UNTIL THEY DROP DEAD BECAUSE YOU GOTTA EAT SOME OF THEIR BRAINS BEFORE THEY PUT YOU IN THE DIRT

…He’s a bit dramatic for an Ornithologist.

Anyway.  Free food.  See you soon Dr. Lauper.

SKÅLLLLLLLLLLL 4EVA